*Smack*

I was on the computer, listening to my little siblings watching The Jetsons in the background. One character, the Jetsons' daughter Cindy, proclaimed that, "If I never see Cosmo again, I'll die!"
I turned to Dad.
"If I said that, I'd get smacked."
His answer?
"If you said that, I'd faint."
"I know. You'd faint and Mom would smack me."

Final Tally

The Attack of the Rabid Teenage Mutant Ninja Transmogrifying Killer Asthmatic Zombie Rowsby-Woof Hello Kitty Tragic Moments Beaver Shrews.

Don't ask.

Mom: "Are you doing the dishes?"
Me: "Yeah. By proxy."

Mother and sister

Mom: "Where does milk come from?"
Little Sister: "The fridge!"

Mom: "Where do potatoes come from?"
Little Sister: "A tree!"

Fresh Toast

Exchanges between a space-case little brother (LB) and myself as I ask him what he wants for dinner (proof that he's a little boy):

Me: Would you like fresh bread or plain toast?
LB: Fresh toast, please.

Me: What would you like to eat?
LB: Buttered toast -toasted, please.

~Durth Sardonic

Bees

In a beekeeping class recently, I learned:

Always have a water source for your bees. If you don't, the bees will go to the neighbor who dislikes bees the most and find water there.

~Durth Sardonic

Politics

The origin of the word politics:

Poly: many.
Ticks: little, blood-sucking parasites.

Software and Cars Don't Mix

When your car crashes, aren't you glad that software engineers don't write the deployment software? For instance, if:

Microsoft wrote it: "Are you really sure you want to deploy your airbags?"

Apple wrote it: "You can only enable airbags on up to five separate cars connected to your account."

Linux devs wrote it: "Couldn't find the drivers!"

UNIX devs wrote it: "What's a 'crash'?"

If the deployment code was written in Java, it would take 30 seconds to deploy.
If the deployment code was written in HTML, each car maker would deploy the airbags differently.

-Durth Cynic

Java...

You know why they named the Java programming language 'Java'? It's because you can start it compiling, go brew yourself a pot of coffee, drink a cup of coffee, drink another cup of coffee, go to the bathroom, and then get back to your desk before it finishes.

I hate Java. Or couldn't you tell?

-Durth Cynic

Definitions

High school: The point in your life when you realize that everything CAN get worse and everyone IS out to get you.

College: When you become your parent(s).

-Durth Cynic

Of laws...

Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong - at the worst possible time, and in the worst possible way.

O'Toole's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

-Durth Sardonic, Durth Cynic

College is...

...like getting a spike through your head. Sure, you get something new in there, but in the end, you're not really any better off.

-Durth Cynic

Oh no!

I was watching the Winter Olympics last night. Speed skating. Ohno (Oh no!) was part of it. The announcers were always saying 'Apollo Anton Ohno', 'Apollo Anton Ohno' 'til Durth Dearth asked, "Is there another Apollo Fred Ohno that we might get confused with him?"

-Durth Sardonic

The Dark Lords Are Here!

Well, it was about time that we did this. By 'we' of course, I mean myself - the Dark Lord Durth Cynic - and my apprentices, Durth Sardonic and Durth Dearth. Of course, we are always looking for new recruits - how could we not? - but we offer a much better retirement plan than the Sith. No power-hungry apprentices looking to kill you here! Of course, you must be able to withstand verbal abuse to join. There's a reason why we have our names.

Come one, come all, and join in the absolutely punny enjoyment as we make fun of all things.

-Durth Cynic